Letter to God

One night, in the middle of trying to pray (I say trying because sometimes I start wandering all over the place), I just decided that instead of talking to God, I'd write to Him.  Same idea, just different format.  Helps me keep my mind a little more focused on what I want to do, which is conversate with God.  This is just stream-of-consciousness, meaning, as I was thinking, I was writing. It got kind of messy, so I typed it, because it was something I wanted to share.  Obviously, it relates to my life, job, situation, etc, but if it reverberates or touches even one other person, that was God's purpose. 

July 13, 2011

My Lord,

I work in a job that doesn’t allow an overt display of my relationship with You, AND seems to allow a demeaning of it. If I admit that I pray to the Almighty God, I feel that I would be automatically reduced to a whacked out, Holy Roller, proselytizing about unreal prophecies and damning everyone to hell.

So, I run covert ops.

I try to portray You in my everyday actions. I try to live the way You would live.  I have students who recommend me to others.  I have students email, asking to crash MY class because I’m the “only” one they’ve heard good things about. I’ve had students fail my class, only to register for the same class with me the next semester.  And none of this is ME.

It’s all YOU, Lord.  I may not be able to say it, but I can show it.

I fail constantly.  I don’t give all the attention to things or people as I should, when I should.  I put things off to the detriment of myself, though when that happens with work, I don’t make my students suffer for MY failings and I own up to when things have happened that are MY fault, and I try to do that when I fail my friends and family, too.  Sometimes it’s easier to be nicer to strangers, though, because you know your family will always be there.  Not an excuse though. I don’t always call out to You for help, nor give You the praise You deserve when You deserve it.

But I ask for Your forgiveness and start anew the next day.  And I probably ask for forgiveness every single day, because every single day, I fail.  And when I fail again, I know You’re there to, once again, pick me up. Because I am never the reason I succeed. I work hard, but not for my glory, even if I mistakenly accept it as my own.  The success I have is ONLY because You’ve led me down those paths and opened the doors, giving me those opportunities. I give You great thanks for that.

You make me strong when I feel like I’m not, make me humble when I’ve gotten too big for my own head, give me heart when I try not to have one.  I want You to be seen through me.  And even when it doesn’t turn out the way I thought it should have, doesn’t mean it didn’t turn out exactly the way You planned it. 

I don’t always know the reasons, but I don’t always have to know.  That’s easier to understand when I’m not questioning the reasons behind something that just happened, but it does help me get through tougher times.  What I do know is that I want to keep working for You.  Whatever I can or can’t do, I want to always show Your glory.  And I try to pray for that strength every day.

Your faithful daughter,

Olivia